MY NAMES IS NOT UGLY
There it was was once again, my high school. The building where I had endured so much ugliness, torment and bullying. All these years later somehow I thought that I might perhaps feel different about this place, but I didn't.
Well, there was no denying exactly how I felt about Collins High School, those painful memories burned deep inside of my sorrowed soul. Now, the only thing left at this second was to take a deep breathe and face these people one more time. With that thought in my head, I took a deep, deep cleansing breath and headed inside for the reunion. There was no telling who I would see and what they would think of me now, perhaps they might understand that my name is not Ugly, it is and always has been Cathy.
The building looked exactly the same and strangely enough smelled the same too. I entered the cafeteria not knowing what to expect. It had been thirty years since I had walked these halls and truthfully I hadn't missed this place or these people. To say the least this high school, Collins High had not been the high point of my life. In reality it had been one of the hardest and most horrible places that I had no choice about being in.
The band pounded out one of those old rock and roll tunes from the late seventies when rock-n-roll had been at it's high point in society. Not knowing what lay behind those heavy wooden cafeteria doors I paused for a second to whisper a little prayer,"Dear Lord, please keep me in check so that I don't lose it and punch someone in the face. Amen". Ah, that should cover just about everyone that could be there that I had bad feeling for, still.
With my prayer intact and my courage wandering somewhere close by I headed inside to see exactly who showed up for this once in a lifetime event. The large room was decorated with colored balloons, streamers draped from one end of the ceiling flowing all across the room covering all of the ceiling titles. There were pictures of students from each grade level starting with the eighth grade class that graduated in nineteen seventy six all the way through to the graduating seniors class of nineteen seventy two.
How mortified I was to see my high school year book picture hanging from the ceiling where our graduating class of nineteen seventy four were gathered. Oh goodness, this was not how I wanted to spend my one and only reunion. Looking at that picture the only thing that I was grateful for was the fact that at least they had chosen a picture of me in my cheer leading uniform. That you Jesus for small favors.
So lost in my own world of reviewing those faces hanging from the ceiling I never noticed the first person who approached me as I continued to slowly wander around the room. His voice interrupted my deep thoughts, " Well, I'll be a monkeys' uncle. Cathy, how the heck are you doing?" he voice sounding familiar, but his face was lost to me as he continued, "Hey, you recognize me, right?" he asked looking as though he knew I would.
Smiling at him I tried very hard to place the face in front of me. Nope, didn't know him from a stranger on the street. How could I tell this person in front of me that I had no clue who he was, um, let me think, nope, I honestly didn't remember him. So I said the only thing that came to mind, " Oh my goodness. Look at you. Wow, you've aged so wonderfully. How the heck are you?" I stood smiling at this man as though it was only yesterday that we had talked to one another.
Feeling very pleased with himself at the false fact that I actually remember him after all these years he simply continued, " I'm doing just great. I have my own business, computers and supplies. I have two sons both in college. And you, how are you doing?" he finally asked.
" Oh, I'm doing just awesome myself. Married and have tow children and two grand girls." I answered hoping that I could find a table to sit down at and just watch the night unfold.
" So, are you working these days?" the classmate with no name asked.
I was feeling a little pinned in by this time, but answered his question anyway, " Not anymore. I recently retired from, um education. Now I'm a home body. You know cooking, cleaning, hanging out with the hubby and stuff like that."
" Well, it's sure good to see you again after all this time. You know, I wasn't sure how you would do after high school." he paused for a second as he stood there with this sad expression on his face. Continuing he spoke as though he understood how this place could have affected me even long after leaving here, "There were plenty of people that weren't exactly kind to others'. Sometimes things like that can leave awful scars on a person. I never really understood what you went through till my youngest son had some problems like what you had to deal with. It's wrong for people to be so mean." He held out his hand for me to shake as though he was apologizing for all of the sorrow I endured.
Looking at the man with no name, I smiled at him, "Well, sometimes people can under estimate what a person can handle and after all is said and done, sometimes the person that was held down will simple rise up and become a better person for what they experienced. I'm doing just fine these days, so in truth I won."
With that being the end of our conversation we parted from each other maybe feeling better about the past and the present and hopeful about the future. As the night continued I would meet up with many of the students that shared these halls with me. Many of them were people that I had enjoyed lots of good times with and many of them were only bad memories that I recalled from days long since passed.
For those that I held special good feelings towards I would keep our reunion in my heart and always close to my soul. For those that I only had painful thoughts of I could wish for them a better future than the past they had left me with. Time moves on quickly for each of us and the memories that we take with us into our future days should be a constant reminder of how better to love ourselves and one another.
The best thing that came out of that whole entire evening was the conclusion that my name never was, nor would it ever become Ugly. My name is Cathy and I carry it proudly with me every where I go. If I believed that I was indeed ugly, as ugly as some of those people tried to make me be, then I would have lost the true person that I am.
My name is not Ugly, I am Cathy just as God always intended for me to be.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
The Breaking Dawn
Golden red shadows danced around the room illuminating a warm security within the den not yet felt by Katie. She sat in her over sized brown recliner wrapped in a country cozy blanket staring out into the darkness that now covered the earth. Her body warmed by the fire and blanket, she found no warmth inside her soul. The ordeal of having come so close to death left her spirit in a hollow state.
Richard stood at the doorway of the den, hands relaxed inside the pockets of his camel colored pants, his thoughts reflecting back on the past week. He was sensing the emptiness in Katies' heart an it pained him to no end. Her smile so weak, but still showing a hint of sparkle. Her eyes had lost the shine and gleam that had once been so easily seen. It was this very loss, this change in Katie that worried Richard so much. Taking small steps Richard moved from the doorway crossing over to where Katie sat, snugly up under the thick warm blanket.
A warm strong hand gently reached out to caress her soft cheek, stroking it ever so lightly. Katie reached up with her left hand pressing Richard's hand closer to her face. Her eyes remained on the darkness outside of the picture window as she struggled to accept the love he shared with her flesh and soul. Turning tearful eyes to look at the man that had stood beside her through of the the past days events she spoke, " So many thoughts to separate, so many feelings of turmoil are locked inside of my heart and mind. I can't see through the darkness anymore. I've lost the light of my soul." The words whispered from her lips as the pain revealed itself all too well.
The glowing from the fireplace accentuated the moisture in Katie's eyes as Richard squatted down beside her chair. He could feel the terror that still remained locked deep within her heart and soul. Speaking very softly as he too felt his own pain at having come so close to losing her, "The darkness comes from your fear Katie. A fear only you can define and then overcome. What is it that you really need to define and overcome for yourself?" He was asking a question that he already knew the answer to. Her fear originated from deeper wounds other than her brush with death.
Katie touched the loving face of her beloved Richard, tracing his stern cheek and then his well defined lips. His bright green eyes reflected the light from the fireplace as his tan skin was warm and smooth. One tear gently rolled down her sad face spilling onto the housecoat. It was quickly absorbed as though it had never existed. In her mind Katie knew how much Richard loved her, and she understood just how much she was completely in love with him. Yet, the left over feeling of terror stepped inside of her inner most being, trying it's best to push those beautiful feelings of love out of the way. She was in a battle between needing to feel good about their love and feeling off guard.
Sighing, Katie spoke, her thoughts betraying her own deep sense of control, "When I was down in the sub-basement, minutes, seconds from dying I touched John's soul." she paused as the tears filled her eyes recalling the memories of what she had experienced began to take shape into words. "For a moment, just a brief passing of seconds, I wanted to join John in death. It was at that moment I realized my own death was actually imminent. I could feel John beside me, so close to my body and I wanted to go be with him. You know beyond this world." Her voice cracked as she admitted out loud finally that she had allowed herself to welcome death.
Richard was in pure agony for Katie. His dark eyebrows drew together as he realized for the first time just how affected Katie had become by her late husband's death. John had been the very light in Katie's soul. She had drawn her greatest strengths from him and his death had crushed the very fiber of her spirit. Until she had had to face death herself all emotions connected to John had been buried deep down inside of her, hidden far from her conscience being. Now Richard knew that the emotional struggle she had endure had finally surfaced. Katie had to deal with John's passing as well as with the idea of death as it pertained to her.
"Did you fight to stay alive Katie, for yourself or for John's memory? Do you want to live? I mean really live or are you just waiting around to join your long lost husband at some later date?" Richard asked, the words sounded harsh, more stern than he had wanted them to at this time. He also understood that this question had to be asked, for it was long over due.
Katie looked at Richard and for the first time in days she smiled at him. It had been the first real look of happiness on her face since she had returned from the hospital.
Speaking with much more assurance in her tone Katie answered his questions, "I had to live. I had to live in order to be the person that John knew I could be. He told me I had to fight. Fight for my life. There's no way I can make you really understand what happened in those few seconds before you found me." her voice trailed off as she remembered those unexplainable memories of terror.
"What did you want to live for Katie?" Richard felt the lump inside his throat swell as though he now had two Adam's apples side by side. He somehow feared the answer to his question, but it was better to know if he had a chance at all at being a part of her life. Would they have a tomorrow at all he wondered as he waited for her to respond.
" John showed me that by living on I kept him alive also. I know now that happiness for me is loving, and that included my memories of John. Even so I also have to move on that's what he wants me to do. Somehow I truly know how crazy this sounds and for days I thought that I was still feeling the affects of my trauma, but it was John's spirit that gave me the strength to fight for my life." Taking Richards' hands and covering them with hers , she kissed them ever so gently. " I know that I wanted to live for us. No more guilt, no more sorrow or locking myself away with the cases of others' sorrow and hardships. I was reminded in those horrible seconds in that awful basement that I practice law, I serve to protect others. The law is no longer my hideaway from a life long gone. John's spirit filled my soul and there in that dark place I was released from my guilt of John's death. We loved as long as life would allow us to and when our time together has ended so had my desire to love again, but I was wrong, so wrong." she whispered still holding both of his hands in hers.
"What exactly did John tell you about love Katie?" Richard needed for Katie to empty her heart of all of the past guilt in order for her to really move on.
Katie smiled as she leaned towards Richard lightly touching her lips to his. Then clearing her throat she answered his question, "That true love must be shared with the living. The memory of love with the heart always shares respect with those that need it. To love again is the only real way to share myself with others. Love never dies, it is passed on from one person to another and another until hopefully it has touched every soul that lives."
Taking a deep breath Richard leaned in closer to her looking deep into her beautiful blue eyes,"Are you ready to come out of the darkness and love again, one hundred percent. Holding nothing back and allowing nothing to stand between us?" he asked.
For a few seconds Katie looked out into the darkness of night. Pink, reds and purplish hues splashed across the darkening horizon. One small star hung onto the escaping darkness, twinkling brightly as though it winked at her from afar. Katie scanned the sky as a shooting star crossed in front of the window signaling the beginning of something new. The sorrow in her heart had finally broken free and the spirit of John's memory had been released. He would always be a part of her , helping to remind her of how to go on continuing to live and to love.
Speaking with her own passion renewed filling the once empty space in her heart she spoke to Richard, "The breaking heart is like the breaking dawn. It saddens us to acknowledge the beauty will be gone, but the memory of that beauty inspires us to await the next experience once again. I have come out of the darkness and the breaking dawn will forever remind me how much I love you. I will love you as long as time will allow us to be together. " Standing up she put her arms around Richards' neck and spoke from the very depths of her heart, "I do love you Richard and for as long as I live I always will."
Two figures stood with arms wrapped tightly around one another. The majestic colors spread across the peak of the horizon as the breaking dawn forever broke through the darkness of guilt, pain and sorrow. Like the breaking of dawn on each new day their passion would endure and burn brighter and brighter until their deaths allow them to do so no more.
CJA
Richard stood at the doorway of the den, hands relaxed inside the pockets of his camel colored pants, his thoughts reflecting back on the past week. He was sensing the emptiness in Katies' heart an it pained him to no end. Her smile so weak, but still showing a hint of sparkle. Her eyes had lost the shine and gleam that had once been so easily seen. It was this very loss, this change in Katie that worried Richard so much. Taking small steps Richard moved from the doorway crossing over to where Katie sat, snugly up under the thick warm blanket.
A warm strong hand gently reached out to caress her soft cheek, stroking it ever so lightly. Katie reached up with her left hand pressing Richard's hand closer to her face. Her eyes remained on the darkness outside of the picture window as she struggled to accept the love he shared with her flesh and soul. Turning tearful eyes to look at the man that had stood beside her through of the the past days events she spoke, " So many thoughts to separate, so many feelings of turmoil are locked inside of my heart and mind. I can't see through the darkness anymore. I've lost the light of my soul." The words whispered from her lips as the pain revealed itself all too well.
The glowing from the fireplace accentuated the moisture in Katie's eyes as Richard squatted down beside her chair. He could feel the terror that still remained locked deep within her heart and soul. Speaking very softly as he too felt his own pain at having come so close to losing her, "The darkness comes from your fear Katie. A fear only you can define and then overcome. What is it that you really need to define and overcome for yourself?" He was asking a question that he already knew the answer to. Her fear originated from deeper wounds other than her brush with death.
Katie touched the loving face of her beloved Richard, tracing his stern cheek and then his well defined lips. His bright green eyes reflected the light from the fireplace as his tan skin was warm and smooth. One tear gently rolled down her sad face spilling onto the housecoat. It was quickly absorbed as though it had never existed. In her mind Katie knew how much Richard loved her, and she understood just how much she was completely in love with him. Yet, the left over feeling of terror stepped inside of her inner most being, trying it's best to push those beautiful feelings of love out of the way. She was in a battle between needing to feel good about their love and feeling off guard.
Sighing, Katie spoke, her thoughts betraying her own deep sense of control, "When I was down in the sub-basement, minutes, seconds from dying I touched John's soul." she paused as the tears filled her eyes recalling the memories of what she had experienced began to take shape into words. "For a moment, just a brief passing of seconds, I wanted to join John in death. It was at that moment I realized my own death was actually imminent. I could feel John beside me, so close to my body and I wanted to go be with him. You know beyond this world." Her voice cracked as she admitted out loud finally that she had allowed herself to welcome death.
Richard was in pure agony for Katie. His dark eyebrows drew together as he realized for the first time just how affected Katie had become by her late husband's death. John had been the very light in Katie's soul. She had drawn her greatest strengths from him and his death had crushed the very fiber of her spirit. Until she had had to face death herself all emotions connected to John had been buried deep down inside of her, hidden far from her conscience being. Now Richard knew that the emotional struggle she had endure had finally surfaced. Katie had to deal with John's passing as well as with the idea of death as it pertained to her.
"Did you fight to stay alive Katie, for yourself or for John's memory? Do you want to live? I mean really live or are you just waiting around to join your long lost husband at some later date?" Richard asked, the words sounded harsh, more stern than he had wanted them to at this time. He also understood that this question had to be asked, for it was long over due.
Katie looked at Richard and for the first time in days she smiled at him. It had been the first real look of happiness on her face since she had returned from the hospital.
Speaking with much more assurance in her tone Katie answered his questions, "I had to live. I had to live in order to be the person that John knew I could be. He told me I had to fight. Fight for my life. There's no way I can make you really understand what happened in those few seconds before you found me." her voice trailed off as she remembered those unexplainable memories of terror.
"What did you want to live for Katie?" Richard felt the lump inside his throat swell as though he now had two Adam's apples side by side. He somehow feared the answer to his question, but it was better to know if he had a chance at all at being a part of her life. Would they have a tomorrow at all he wondered as he waited for her to respond.
" John showed me that by living on I kept him alive also. I know now that happiness for me is loving, and that included my memories of John. Even so I also have to move on that's what he wants me to do. Somehow I truly know how crazy this sounds and for days I thought that I was still feeling the affects of my trauma, but it was John's spirit that gave me the strength to fight for my life." Taking Richards' hands and covering them with hers , she kissed them ever so gently. " I know that I wanted to live for us. No more guilt, no more sorrow or locking myself away with the cases of others' sorrow and hardships. I was reminded in those horrible seconds in that awful basement that I practice law, I serve to protect others. The law is no longer my hideaway from a life long gone. John's spirit filled my soul and there in that dark place I was released from my guilt of John's death. We loved as long as life would allow us to and when our time together has ended so had my desire to love again, but I was wrong, so wrong." she whispered still holding both of his hands in hers.
"What exactly did John tell you about love Katie?" Richard needed for Katie to empty her heart of all of the past guilt in order for her to really move on.
Katie smiled as she leaned towards Richard lightly touching her lips to his. Then clearing her throat she answered his question, "That true love must be shared with the living. The memory of love with the heart always shares respect with those that need it. To love again is the only real way to share myself with others. Love never dies, it is passed on from one person to another and another until hopefully it has touched every soul that lives."
Taking a deep breath Richard leaned in closer to her looking deep into her beautiful blue eyes,"Are you ready to come out of the darkness and love again, one hundred percent. Holding nothing back and allowing nothing to stand between us?" he asked.
For a few seconds Katie looked out into the darkness of night. Pink, reds and purplish hues splashed across the darkening horizon. One small star hung onto the escaping darkness, twinkling brightly as though it winked at her from afar. Katie scanned the sky as a shooting star crossed in front of the window signaling the beginning of something new. The sorrow in her heart had finally broken free and the spirit of John's memory had been released. He would always be a part of her , helping to remind her of how to go on continuing to live and to love.
Speaking with her own passion renewed filling the once empty space in her heart she spoke to Richard, "The breaking heart is like the breaking dawn. It saddens us to acknowledge the beauty will be gone, but the memory of that beauty inspires us to await the next experience once again. I have come out of the darkness and the breaking dawn will forever remind me how much I love you. I will love you as long as time will allow us to be together. " Standing up she put her arms around Richards' neck and spoke from the very depths of her heart, "I do love you Richard and for as long as I live I always will."
Two figures stood with arms wrapped tightly around one another. The majestic colors spread across the peak of the horizon as the breaking dawn forever broke through the darkness of guilt, pain and sorrow. Like the breaking of dawn on each new day their passion would endure and burn brighter and brighter until their deaths allow them to do so no more.
CJA
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